Russ & John’s

From The Onion:

Citing a longstanding need to "restore honor and dignity to the American food-service industry," Sens. John McCain (R-AZ) and Russ Feingold (D-WI) announced the public debut of their joint business venture Monday, a chain of integrity-themed restaurants which opened in 12 locations nationwide.

The new Russ & John's chain, which the two senators funded privately via small financial donations of no more than $2,000 per investor, was founded on the idea that "today's customers want quality food without all the lies and exaggerations that all too often accompany it," according to McCain.

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In an effort to avoid the "thinly veiled bribery" found in the majority of restaurants, Russ & John's prohibit tips, disparaging them as "the worst kind of soft money," according to the "Message From The Founders" on the restaurant's menu. Instead, management will distribute company-issued "server grants," intended to prevent undue influence on the waitstaff's performance and ensure that every customer receives the same quality service.

McCain said the staff has been trained to deliver "straight talk" to customers.

"Our servers are not there to just tell you what you want to hear," McCain said. "If a customer asks how the Zesty Three-Cheese Ranch Chicken Platter is, and if it's not particularly good, they're going to be up-front with you and say, 'Frankly, the chicken is not that good.'"

"Same goes for the Lasagna Rollups, which, to be perfectly honest, are terrible," McCain added.

The restaurants are apparently not doing well. They're losing customers to "McConnell's Pork Barrel," the BBQ joint.