Osama’s Man in America

This article appeared in the American Conservative on November 19, 2007.

His job: keep the Viagra and the gossip flowing whilepraying for a Giuliani victory.

The following document was obtained by a small private intelligence company, located at a (secret) address in Chevy Chase, Maryland, that monitors Islamic terrorist groups. It followed a year-long surveillance operation that intercepted (secret) messages within a (secret) al-Qaeda communications network. Dr. Leon Hadar, a world-renowned terrorism connoisseur, who has written The Osama bin Laden I Don't Know, translated this somewhat historic document, and it was authenticated by a panel of outside veteran amateurs, including retired analysts from the Office of Strategic Services.

In the name of God, the Merciful, the Compassionate. From Abdullah men Amreeka (the Slave of God from America) to the honorable brother, Osama bin Laden, Imam al-Ummah (leader of the Islamic community). Peace and the mercy and blessings of God are upon you. Aslam-o-Alaikum (Hi there). Keef Halak, Sheik? (What's up, boss?). BTW, you looked great in your last video that I watched on television here. I especially liked the groomed beard and see that you are using the Just for Men Haircolor I sent you. So who is the lucky new bride? Mabrook! (Congratulations!) And apropos, let me know if you need more of the "blue."

I also hope you enjoyed the DVD with the final "Sopranos" episode that I put in the package at the last moment. I was a bit disappointed that we never got to find out whether Muhammad and Ahmed, who Tony befriended in the last season of the show, were "brothers" or just pistachio salesmen. This subplot resulted in an AP story headlined, "Osama and the Sopranos," about alleged FBI worries over "al-Qaeda ties to the Mob." Next thing you know, the Olive Garden will be serving Halaal food and Rudy Giuliani will be campaigning out of the local mosque in Trenton, New Jersey, in the Dar al-Kufr, the land of non-Islam of North America. I know, I know. You're probably saying, "Yallah. Get out of here."

I don't know if you remember me. But we met in the Khyber Pass café in Quetta in 1999 (1420 according to the Muslim calendar), and I bombarded (oops … sorry!) you with my schtick about dying to meet those virgins in heaven, and you looked deep into my blue eyes (Bosnian dad) and stroked my blond curly hair (German mom) and said, "Ya, Habibi. The bottom line is, you look less like Omar Sharif in 'Lawrence of Arabia' and more like Robert Redford in 'The Way we Were.' We need you here. To study. To become an American. Perhaps even run for office. In any case, I want you to write me regular reports about political developments. Some movie reviews. Think about yourself as al-Qaeda's own Frank Rich. Also obtain a credit card and do some shopping for me. The mole in the mall, if you will. Are you familiar with Davis' Big & Tall? I like their stuff."

So here I am with another of my monthly reports, as well as a copy of that new book by Chomsky that you requested. We are entering now into the last year of the rule of the Rayyis George W. Bush. I know that many of our brothers curse him as a Fajir, a wicked evildoer or a sinner by action. I beg to differ. If anything, he reminds me of the biblical character of Balaam. As retold by Persian historian Abi J'afar Muhammad ibn Jarir al-Tabari, Balaam was instructed by Balak, the king of Moab, to curse the children of Israel. But then God "turned his tongue" so the cursing ended up falling upon Balaam's own people and the blessing upon the Israelites. From that perspective, Bush could be described as the Balaam of our time and we as the Israelites he cursed. Bush is certainty a Kafir, a sinner by disbelief in Allah. But the results of his actions advance the work of God. Bush leads the world's "only remaining superpower," the most powerful military force that the infidels have acquired since the time of the Romans. And not only has he failed to defeat us — as you know, he depicts us as "Islamofascists," the term he borrowed from that Dahri (atheist) and Sakran (drunk) from England, Christopher Hitchens. In fact, as that celebrated Catholic Warraq (scribe) — or to apply the Indian term used by the Americans, "pundit" — Andrew Sullivan has pointed out on his blog, Bush has become "Al Qaeda's enabler." The Luti (homosexual) is right. Our group "surely never had a more helpful man in such a powerful place."

God, indeed, has turned Bush's tongue, and the promised crusade against the believers has been transformed into a Jihad against crusaders and Zionists. Bush, a Dajjal (liar), may have refused to embrace Islam and will die as an infidel, but through his actions, he appears to the world as though he was a brother who had received guidance from Allah. Hence, you the hawk on the top of the Shara (mountains) should be the proudest of all the brothers for this great accomplishment. You had succeeded in forcing this Habllah (idiot) from Texas and all his Zionist cowboys into the traps in the land of Mesopotamia, where the Ummah (nation) and its Mujahidin are now leading a victorious Jihad against the Americans and their allies. Inshallah.

After seven years in the "white" house in Washington and six years after the blessed Shaid (martyrs) destroyed the Tower of Babylon in New York and the nest of the Hamsah (five) in Virginia, you are still the leader of the faithful and will remain long after Bush returns to his ranch to play with his pigs and dogs. (I FedExed to you a copy of the memoir of former Mexican President Vincente Fox in which he describes Bush as a "windshield cowboy" — a cowboy who prefers to drive — and, get this, is afraid of horses…) You will then expel the Fasiq, those who have violated Islamic laws, from the two Holy Precincts of Mecca and Medina, return Syria to the Islamic fold, defeat the Zionists, and pray in Al-Asqa. Then you will ask Bush: Where are all your historians and other Hakim (wise men) that you told us would sing your praise years after you leave office and portray you as "Truman"? Weren't they expected to conclude that you had "transformed" the Middle East, turning its people to the supplicants of the West and bringing its oil resources under the control of your crooked companies?

But God, the generous, benefited you, wise Sheikh. You will become the Caliph of a great Ummah while Bush the Wa'lek (boy) will probably become the Caliph of the owners of baseball, the game of the, yes, small balls. Isn't it appropriate that Bush as well as Cheney — the two, as you know, cursed that they are, are abu el-banat (father of the girls) — like this game?

You probably recall the time when Bush, using the language of his Wild West, promised the American people to capture you "dead or alive." These arrogant boasts, like his pledges to export the corrupt political system that helped him come to power in America — he calls it "democracy" — to the Dar al-Islam all proved to be delusions. Bush had you trapped for a few hours in the mountains of Tora Bora, but he then let you get away because he wanted to focus on Saddam instead. (I hope you've read Gary Berntsen's Jawbreaker: The Attack on Bin Laden and Al Qaeda: A Personal Account by the CIA's Key Field Commander, which I had sent you last year.) Thanks to Bush, you are alive and well and living in Pakistan, which enjoys the status of — get this! — "non-NATO ally" of the United States. President Musharraf, who helped us and the Taliban brothers build our political and military power in Afghanistan and prepare our operations is welcomed as a Friend of America in Washington. Instead of discussing the Osama-Musharraf Connection, Bush and Cheney made it sound as thought you had been allied with Saddam the Murtaad (apostate) and the man of Ightala (killing). O Sheikh, you actually wanted the Saudis to let you fight Saddam — which you considered worthy of death — on behalf of the Ummah and remove him from Kuwait. But they refused and allowed Baba Bush to operate out of Saudi Arabia and force the Iraqis from Kuwait and then remain in our Holy places. But Salil Bush and his neocons and crusaders knew that they could not sell the invasion of Iraq without making the American people believe Saddam was behind the al Nashmi (brave) attack in New York.

Now, thanks to the American invasion, we have established our presence in Mesopotamia and expanded our reach in the entire region and around the world, especially in Europe, the Dar al-Amn (part of the Western world where Muslims reside). The torture, death and destruction the Americans have inflicted on the Iraqis has only helped to recruit more brothers into the ranks of the Mujahidin. Shukran! (Thanks!) Ya, Rayyis Bush. You probably recall that in a report I e-mailed you before the 2004 presidential elections, I expressed hope that the American people would re-elect Bush. And they did! And they allowed this Majnun (madman) to become al-Qaeda's man in Washington. Shukran! Shukran!

Bush and his Zionist crusaders had hoped to create the Greater State of Israel from the Euphrates to the Nile — Iraq and Syria and Palestine under their rule. But they did not understand that Iraq was a mosaic of many ethnic and religious groups that only the Shaytan (Satan) Saddam kept together. So they built an alliance with the Kurdish spies in the North and with the Shi'ite snakes who, as you know, are not real Muslims. The Shi'ites betrayed us once again like the cunning people they have always been and are trying now to operate as the agents of the Americans and the Persians in Baghdad in the same way that they once joined Genghis Khan and other enemies of the Muslims. But our mujahidin are continuing to strike at these treacherous people and their American masters and are making sure that the "central government" in Baghdad cannot function beyond the "Green Zone," where the Americans are hiding like the cowards that they are. They are now presenting — or, to use a popular term here, "spinning" — their strategic failure in maintaining a unified Iraq as a great "success" in transferring power to the provinces or "decentralization." If you believe that, I'll buy you a bridge over the Euphrates.

As for this so-called "surge," it cannot change the constellation of forces on the ground that we helped create in the aftermath of the American invasion. "Iraq" doesn't exist anymore as a state, and its disintegration is already helping destroy the U.S. hegemonic strategy in the Middle East. You know that the Kurds want to establish their state and expand and that this is igniting opposition from the Turks, Iranians, and even the brothers in Syria. You can already see the tensions between the Americans and the Turks, who are bound to take military action against the Kurds in the North, especially if the Kurds try to win total control over Kirkuk and make life difficult for the Turkmen people in the area.

There is a lot of good news coming from Turkey: more women there are wearing the Khumur (scarf), and people there are choosing the Sirat al-Mustaqim (straight path) and returning to the true fold of Islam. Opinion polls suggest that the people despise Bush, the Americans, and the Zionists. I remember that you predicted once that the road to the Caliphate would have to lead through Turkey — that the Americans would abandon them, that the Europeans would reject them, and that one day they would become our Awliya (allies). Inshallah.

I've forwarded to you copies of news reports and commentary from newspapers in this country like the Washington Post that were celebrating the election victory of the Islamists of the AK party in Turkey as another sign that "democracy is spreading in the Middle East." If you accept my Bush-as-Balaam analogy, you have no choice but to conclude that these guys who seem to believe that having free elections in Turkey, Palestine, Egypt, and elsewhere are going to advance their interests and help strengthen the influence of their "democracy" are actually helping create the conditions for our victory. In Turkey, in Palestine, and Egypt — or for that matter in Iraq and Lebanon — free elections strengthened the hands of those who are against America and its political model. After all, the brothers won in Palestine and gained more votes in Egypt.

And while we despise the Shi'ites and their agents in Iraq and Lebanon, who have been gaining more political power, we should rejoice at these developments, for the elections choreographed by the crusaders and Zionists are producing revolutionary developments. They have helped us by weakening the foundations of the old order and sweeping away the corrupt lackeys of the Americans. We can only hope that similar changes will take place in Syria, where the Murtaad Bashir rules. Indeed, the Americans are doing their best to weaken him and force him to ally with the Persians. And when they try to reverse the results of free elections, which is exactly what they are doing now in Palestine, they demonstrate to the world that they are nothing more than hypocrites. We have nothing to lose. If they have free elections in Egypt, the brothers will come to power, abrogate the "peace" agreements with the Zionists, and join the struggle. If they don't have elections, the Pharaoh Mubarak would not survive the rage of the people.

I know that during our meeting and throughout our correspondence, I may have sounded a bit hesitant, if not doubtful about our ability to achieve the long-term goal of restoring the Caliphate. "How could we do it with just a few thousand Mujahidin fighting against the powerful evil forces with all their huge militaries and nuclear weapons?" I once asked you. And you responded, "Through our revolutionary actions, we'll be able to force them to play according to our script, to waste their resources in trying to take control over the Dar al-Islam, from the mountains of the Hindu Kush to the rivers of Mesopotamia. We will make them bleed, create divisions in their ranks, and expose the internal contradictions in their system."

Indeed, O Sheikh. Who would have believed that one day Bush and his clique of neocons would compare our power to that of the Third Reich, the Japanese Empire, and the Soviet Union. That is the way they see us now. And the irony: their "war of terrorism" is taking longer that the one they fought with the Germans and the Japanese in the 1940s. They are now stuck in Iraq and in Afghanistan, with no way out. They lose if they stay, and they lose if they leave. The price of oil is rising into the stratosphere. Meanwhile, our actions helped hasten the split between the Americans and the Europeans, and the arrogance of American power is making it more likely that the Russians and the Chinese could pose a challenge to Bush and his gangs. The world now knows that the Christian crusaders and the Zionists have the same agenda: destroying the Muslim lands of Palestine and controlling Al Quods. And they call that the "peace process." It is just a question of time before the rotten apples, the Murtaad of the Arab Gulf, Syria, of Mashriq and the Maghreb, and of Pakistan, will be smashed under our feet and a united Ummah will be ready to fight the Persians and rip the Shi'ite snake.

I pray to Allah that the American voters elect the Zionist minion and agent of the Vatican Giuliani as their next president and that he and his troops fall into the new traps we are preparing for them as they try to depose regimes in the Dar al-Islam. (Syria? Iran?) I'm certainly going to register as a volunteer in Rudy's campaign after I mail you the DVD of the last season of "Big Love."