Commentary

Fantasy January 20, 2017: Evan McMullin Takes Presidential Oath

The latest from Langley, Virginia, as the plot thickens.

August 12, 2016: Independent conservative and former CIA operative Evan McMullin announces his candidacy for president. Most members of the press yawn. A few snicker.

August 15: Washington Post Style section reporter begins calling around to write what he terms a “snarky” profile of McMullin.

August 17: Washington Post Style reporter tragically dies of food poisoning. Blamed on barbeque-flavored potato chips. FDA announces investigation.

August 19: Newsweek political columnist who dismissed McMullin’s chances dies in tragic “car accident.” Emergency personnel marvel at how she apparently drove car into the lake while in the back seat.

August 26: Obscure scandal involving Tim Kaine and missionary work in Central America breaks. Revealed in 40-year-old documents “discovered” in Library of Congress. Previously obscure hand-writing expert, Winfred McMullin, dismisses relevance of “CIA laboratory” imprint on the paper.

Thailand’s only hope for the future is to end Generalissimo Praytuth’s starring role in the country’s political comic opera.

August 27: Hillary Clinton announces she is “1000 percent” behind Kaine.

August 28: Hillary Clinton falls down steps at campaign rally. Coincidentally, Scientific American reports that CIA has developed invisible ice for use against “America’s enemies.”

August 29: Tim Kaine’s home burns down. Destroys what he claims was exculpatory evidence.

August 30: Tim Kaine announces resignation both as VP nominee and Senator.

September 5: At 1:00 am on Labor Day, Clinton campaign issues statement announcing VP replacement for Tim Kaine.

September 6: Another document trove “discovered” in Library of Congress. Implicates Kaine’s successor.

September 12: Homeless person in Wichita, Kansas claims that Mike Pence led “secret life,” offers photos he says were taken “decades ago.” Previously obscure photography expert, Marlene McMullin, affirms date despite criticism that photos appear to be from later digital camera.

September 13: Mike Pence provides names of two friends to verify his account. Both coincidentally found to have died in accidents during the preceding week.

September 14: The Donald announces that he is “shocked, shocked” at the allegations. Says will unveil his new nominee on election eve. Pence kicked off campaign plane and resigns.

September 15: Two staff members from the Commission on Presidential Debates leave home but fail to show up at work. Police conclude that staffers likely went on “vacation.” Coincidentally, CIA announces first-ever CIA grant for “extraordinary” anti-terrorism work to the police department. A large grant.

September 18: Member of CPD Board of Directors dies in tragic boating “accident.” Wife expresses bewilderment, says husband never liked the water and did not own the boat in question, even though it was registered to him the preceding week.

September 20: CPD announces that Evan McMullin will participate in the first presidential debate. Even though he barely registered in the polls, spokeswoman explained that including him “was in the national interest.”

September 22: CPD disinvites Libertarian Party nominee Gary Johnson, since he achieved only 14.9 percent in the last poll taken.

September 25: The Donald comes down with severe case of stomach flu. Doctor says that the candidate cannot attend the upcoming debate. Health care professionals note how the symptoms mirror those from new non-lethal biological agents rumored to be under development by the CIA.

September 26: Pence accuser dies of “drug overdose.” Social workers wonder why he switched to PCP after so many years of alcohol as drug of choice.

September 26: Hillary Clinton slips on her way into Hofstra auditorium for the first debate. Bumps head and spends entire time in bathroom “recovering.” Evan McMullin is only debate participant.

September 27: Reporters, especially colleagues of late Washington Post Style reporter and Newsweekcolumnist, laud his performance as “brilliant” and “extraordinary.”

October 3: CPD announces that vice presidential debate would proceed, but without a Republican, since the spot was vacant.

October 4: Democratic nominee’s car suffers flat tire on way to debate. No spare tire or jack available for auto. Nominee misses event. Only McMullin running mate appears.

October 7: CPD representative announces that since the first debate went so smoothly with only one candidate, the next one also would be limited to Evan McMullin.

October 9: Evan McMullin provides another stimulating debate performance, universally praised by the critics.

October 11: Video released of various violent Clinton tirades against Secretary Service, campaign staff, babies, and animals. Some photos appear to have been taken from satellites and drones. Journalist Seymour Hersh declares them to be work of CIA.

October 12: Hersh disappears on way to meet with supposed source. Police conclude he decided to go on “vacation.” Fire department reports destruction of his home and office to be “accidental.”

October 12: Diary confirming Clinton incidents found among effects of Secret Service agent who died of a “heart attack” the previous day. Family surprised by death, as agent was a fitness fanatic. Also says agent not known to keep a diary.

October 13: Bill Clinton announces that he is “shocked, shocked” at the allegations. Says of Hillary Clinton: “I never really knew her.” Later seen with buxom blonde, reportedly a “veteran CIA case officer.”

October 14: Second VP nominee for Democrats resigns. Says wants to “spend more time with her family.” Coincidentally announces plan to take well-paying corporate position. Equally coincidentally, new company reportedly once a CIA front.

October 15: Early letter from Donald’s father is found at a yard sale. Winfred McMullin says he discovered the document: “I’d recognize the handwriting anywhere!” Letter reveals that The Donald was a homeless waif picked up off the streets of Edinburgh, Scotland. Instead of being adopted, he was informally substituted for the elder Trump’s stillborn baby. Which means The Donald is not a citizen.

October 16: A “friend” of The Donald’s father emerges to confirm story that The Donald was not a citizen. When members of Trump family fail to recognize friend’s name, he explains he spent many years overseas working for “the government,” but won’t say any more.

October 17: Campaign staffer holds press conference to confirm story, says The Donald orchestrated a cover-up. Aide then flies to Rio de Janeiro in search of “new opportunities,” where later seen driving a Lamborghini. Attractive redhead in the passenger seat said to resemble alleged CIA station chief.

October 19: Evan McMullin alone appears in third presidential debate.

October 20: Obama administration begins deportation proceeding against The Donald.

October 21: The Donald delivers most frenetic rant yet. Attacks Hillary Clinton, rigged elections, the Republican establishment, biased media, and much more. Widely reported.

October 23: After surprisingly fast district and appellate court rulings against The Donald, Supreme Court meets in unusual special session and orders his expulsion to United Kingdom or “parts unknown.” The Donald dragged to waiting aircraft, helpfully provided by CIA.

October 24: Republican national chairman Reince Priebus suffers surprise “heart attack” in early morning while asleep. Family expresses surprise, but body “accidentally” cremated, so no autopsy performed.

October 25: Three Republican National Committee members on way to press conference to denounce alleged “conspiracy” against The Donald die in tragic car “accident.” Evidence of gun shots ruled “incidental” by medical examiner, son of a reputed “veteran CIA operative.”

October 26: Republican National Committee declares nomination vacant, endorses McMullin.

October 28: Clinton falls at campaign rally. Taken to hospital for observation by private ambulance, which is conveniently parked at the rally. When arrives at the hospital she is in a coma. Afterwards people note failure to recognize ambulance service, which has no listing or registration.

October 30: Latest Democratic VP nominee quits ticket. Explains America needs new leadership, i.e., Evan McMullin.

November 1: Democratic Committee chairwoman disappears on drive home from work. Police discover note claiming she was going on vacation. Winfred McMullin affirms that it is authentic: “I’d know her writing anywhere.”

November 3: Democratic National Committee removes Clinton from ticket, declares nominations vacant. Endorses Evan McMullin.

November 4: Gary Johnson announces that he is heading to Nepal for another assault on Mt. Everest. Says he is retiring from politics. Immediately.

November 5: The Green Party’s Jill Stein holds press conference, repudiating her candidacy and explaining that she has decided to become an eco-nun in Death Valley. Immediately.

November 8: Evan McMullin elected president.

Doug Bandow is a senior fellow at the Cato Institute, specializing in foreign policy and civil liberties.